·Ꭷ· Ꮰ · dance of the dead · Ꮰ ·Ꭷ·

· Ꮰ ·

when Granny come aknockin’

mos’ folks got uncomfortable

some were so afeared

they jus disappeared

t’was  shockin’

to have grannies an’ pappies

showin’ up

after they’d drunk from Death’s Cup

they went runnin’

none’d thought

of  havin’ another chance

to dance

it’s somethin’

go to the ole flour mill

you’ll find ’em there…    jitterbuggin’ still

·Ꭷ· Ꮰ ·Ꭷ·

· Ꮰ ·

“Keep Punchin Jitterbug Contest”

twobarbreak

this is my submission to ~

Mag 76   at   Magpie Tales
prompt:   image above

Songs for the Dead   at   POETRY JAM
the prompt is to write a poem about the loss of something or someone beloved

thanks for an interesting prompt, Chris!

dVerse ~ Poets Pub

the exciting new Poets community from Brian Miller and Claudia Schöenfeld ~ come join the party!

Meeting the Bar:  Critique and Craft   at    dVerse ~ Poets Pub
thank you Luke Prater and Gay Cannon for your wonderful contributions

Friday Flash 55     see the     G-Man at Mr. KnowitAll
flash fiction 55  (count ’em ~ 55 words}

Prompt 179   at   One Single Impression
prompt:   uncomfortable

Prompt #14   at   POETIC BLOOMINGS
prompt:   lost and found

i am also participating in ~

NaBloPoMo

Post A Day

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26 Comments

Filed under dVerse ~ Poets Pub, fantasy, science fiction and horror, Friday Flash 55, humor, Magpie Tales, NaBloPoMo, One Single Impression, POETIC BLOOMINGS, poetry, Poetry Jam, Post-A-Day2011

26 responses to “·Ꭷ· Ꮰ · dance of the dead · Ꮰ ·Ꭷ·

  1. ha. there is something to thinking perhaps the dead just want to dance…kinda playful on a serious note…will pop back for crit in a bit…

  2. Fun Fun Fun!!!
    Dani…?
    Can you POSSIBLY participate in any more prompts?
    I’ll send you a few more links!
    Loved your 55, thanks for playing, and have a Kick Ass Week-End

    FYE…I was NOT in the shower!!!
    (it was the Bathroom at work…hehehehe)

    • i’d try for you, Galen! {smile} okaaaay….thought i saw a shower curtain…. {giggle} oh, hey ~ did you happen to see “baby did a bad thing“? it was inspired by you going to the Chris Isaak concert. i have another one started for “Wicked Game” ~ thanks for mentioning him!
      hope your weekend is FABulous! i really enjoy playing in the Friday 55, G! ♥

  3. Gay

    This was fun and funny. With work like this, who should change it. Not me.
    I’ll let others pick up scalpels if they choose, but I liked it!

    • aaawww! thank you, Gay! ♥ it’s not great poetry by any means, but i do hope it is fun. i truly appreciate your kindness. {smile}

  4. A clever poem, and an especially clever ending!

  5. first, its a cute verse…you have many others i far prefer…but all the same….

    when Granny Smith came knockin’ (this is a rather abrupt start that does not really catch me honestly)

    folks got uncomf’table (the dialect in uncomfortable threw me a bit)

    some were so afeered (is afeered a made up word?)

    they jes disappeared

    it was shockin’

    all the grannies an’ pappies

    who’d drunk from the death cup (cut the and make it death’s cup)

    showin’ up

    they went aflockin’

    all in a rush

    down to the ole flour mill

    where they’re jitterbuggin’ still

    turns out

    they jes want’a have fun

    i end with a nice smile…so not bad for a fun verse, i just think you need an early hook…

    • i know it is neither good poetry nor my best ~ next time Luke’s back i’ll make sure to have a better poem up for critiquing. believe it or not, i did apply the suggestions in Luke’s post today to this. [can you imagine how bad it was before? {shivers}] i agree with you completely about the beginning, though ‘afeered’ is not a made up word. my attempt is for the dialect of a woman i know from the backwoods in the mountains of Tennessee. she never pronounced the “g” at the end of any “ing” word and was always saying “jes” for just. i LOVE the change to Death’s Cup! i am not good at rhyming, but i am happy if the poem made you smile. thanks so much for taking the time to critique, Brian! much appreciated. ♥

  6. I love it like mad! Only I think the last two lines are an anti-climax. And yet you need to say that. Coud you find a way to move them back before previous verse? Might have to expand on them some.; but seems to me ‘they’re jitterbuggin’ still’ is a much stronger finish.

    • i can move things around and change words so long as i keep a total of 55 words exactly. {smile} i LOVE “they’re jitterbuggin’ still” at the end! i don’t if it works any better or not, but i made some changes. ♥ thank you so much for taking the time to critique, Rosemary. that was a brilliant suggestion!

  7. love rosemary’s suggestion to have the jitterbuggin’ line last because for me that’s the line that really makes the poem..also like bri’s suggestions…i feel a bit like jitterbuggin’ now…smiles

    • i’ve kept fiddling with it keeping in mind what i’m trying to learn from Luke plus brian and Rosemary’s suggestions. if i didn’t have to keep it to exactly 55 words i could make it better, but at least as of two minutes ago, it’s better than how it started. {smile} thanks for coming by again, Claudia. it’s after 3am here so i’m off to bed ~ i think that’s noon where you are? have a wonderful weekend! i’ll see you at dVerse later on. ♥

  8. oh my, so many prompts this poem of yours are linked to…

    i like the fun and light tone that you injected here, even though the subject is a morbid one, death. also, the words are countryside as the spelling are different? as to the crit, i was just confused with the start of granny start, then the grannies and pappies on the second part. but as a whole, you approached this creatively and with the video, fun too~

    see you ~

    • yes, it is my attempt at writing the dialect i heard for years from a friend. she grew up in the backwoods of the mountains in Tennessee. i don’t know what the correct spelling would be. if i wasn’t restricted to the 55 words, i would have clarified that only old people came back to life ~ so, grannies and pappies. thank you for your visit and comment, Heaven! ♥ much appreciated!

  9. THis is really good…You nailed it in and out…from top to bottom!

  10. Death may sweep us all away…but the dance lives on! Fun one, Dani.

  11. Nice. The dialect works well here.

    • thank you, tess! ♥ it took help to get closer to what i was trying for {see the comments.} i really appreciate your visit and kind comment.

  12. jitterbugging hey ~ what delicous imagery ~ love the vid clip too ~ can’t stop those dancin’ feet ~ Lib

    • thank you, Lib! ♥ i love the vid clip as well. and what better reason to come back then to dance? {smile} i appreciate your visit and comment.

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