·ଦ· •ଧ• ·· space pirates ·· •ଧ• ·ଦ·

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Zoobrella was her name,  and she shone like a fresh crystal chrysanthemum from sector 5G.  That’s what Tex had just said,  totally enamored of  Zoobrella even though she was the captain of  the ship.  Of course,  she came from sector 1A  so she took the description as an insult.  If  her first mate hadn’t made that remark,  the captain would have been focused on her duties and things might have turned out differently…..

Tex stood at the back of the room in his enormous yellow trousers,  hoping and wondering.  Zoobrella’s reaction left no question in his mind.  As soon as the words had left his lips,  Zoo’s diamond-edged boomerang flew out of  her hand,  severed his head from his shoulders,  then returned to its owner.  Wiping the blood off on a leg of  her uniform,  Zoo designated Jill as her new second in command.  That was her first mistake.  Although she wouldn’t admit it,  Jill knew she was slowly turning into a hula hoop.  Not exactly a redeeming quality in a ship’s officer.

I had a bad feeling right from the start,  but who was going to listen to a cabin girl?  I was seven years old when I realized I had the ability to eat other people’s shadows.  If  it had taught me anything,  it was to keep my mouth shut and my eyes open  { so as to avoid accidentally eating someone’s shadow } and that policy served me well in general.  Yes,  I had seen Jill grab her toes and roll down the hall like a hula hoop,  but I couldn’t see any reason to try to tell the captain about it now.

The semi-sentient ship began shrilly screaming “red alert!”  “red alert!”  “red alert!”  The captain had to yell to make the ship hear her  “SHUT UP!  Just tell me what the problem is!”  Whimpering slightly,  the ship said  “Man overboard ~ Steve just left in an emergency capsule for the third planet from this sun.  And it has a ‘so-called intelligent species’  on it.  You know that’s against regulations,  Captain.”  Zoo muttered  “Oh, crap!”  under her breath then began issuing orders for the pirate ship to turn around.  The First Directive required that they not loot any  ‘so-called intelligent species’  as they were considered defenseless against the powers held by her race.  It wasn’t all bad though,  she thought,  as the crew were overdue for shore leave.  That was her second mistake.

The ship was able to park behind the planet’s moon.  Zoo led the official landing party and assigned Jill to take everyone else down dressed as locals for some R & R.  The ship could take care of  herself  for a couple of days.  Zoobrella had no problem finding her missing crewman.  As his escape pod parachuted slowly down to the ocean,  the earthling paparazzi had sufficient time to get divers into the ocean with cameras and lots of lighting.  Underwater Steve went crazy when he was photographed.  He emerged from the pod to the spectacle and had a total meltdown.  An eyeball as big as a car and fingers like summer hosepipes:  this guy wasn’t fucking around.  The scuba diving photographers tried to avoid Steve’s grasp but eventually there were none left alive.  Steve walked out of  the ocean on to a beach loaded with paparazzi,  local police,  state troopers and  National Guard.  News and police helicopters circled overhead.  Unnoticed in the mayhem,  Zoobrella did the only thing she could do.  Using a blowgun,  she sent a disintegrating dart into Steve’s neck.  Within five seconds he was blown to tiny, tiny bits which rained down on the horrified bystanders.  The landing party began to discreetly make their way back to their hidden ship.

They were stopped in their tracks by the sight of  the other landing ship rushing past them on the boardwalk.  It had been disguised to look like a fish bait shed,  but its landing gear had apparently malfunctioned.  The shed pulsated and glided along the street consuming rubbish and stray cats like a wooden basking shark.  It finally crashed into a group of  foreign tourists who were too busy photographing people fishing off  the pier to notice the shed barreling toward them.  Cats, cats, cats, everywhere cats,  but then stepping out from the crowd,  a single crab.  It keeled over from a heart attack.  The crew made their way out of  the mess of  the landing craft,  tourists,  fishermen  and cats.  It only took a moment for them to find a Denny’s where they crowded into the non-smoking section.  Known for their quick service,  the Denny’s staff  had platters of  sandwiches and glasses of  milk served in no time flat.  The pirates all looked at the plate of freshly cut sandwiches before them and immediately burst into tears.  It had been months since they’d had any shore leave and they were overcome with gratitude.  Ian cried tears on to the hard shell of a dead crab and knew in his heart he was finally a man.  He hadn’t wanted to leave the crab where the cats could eat it,  and that act of  compassion had made him mature beyond his years.

Zoobrella and her group decided to eat at the Mexican restaurant next door to the Denny’s.  That was her final mistake.  They sat at outdoor tables drinking mojitos and listening to the live band.  Chi and Ricard tied their hair together,  loaded their pistols and began to boogie to the hot Latin beats.  Zoo whispered to the waitress that it was Chi’s birthday and could they get a stripper in a cake for her?  Since it was such short notice,  the maître d‘  volunteered as he occasionally worked as a Chippendales’  dancer.  In order to save time,  he thought it best if  he just carried a cupcake with a candle in it to the birthday girl.  The kitchen manager agreed and let the head cook know. “Cancel the cakes,  Marjorie,  Sebastian’s going to use a trench coat instead.”  Chi was quite surprised and pleased with her birthday celebration.

If  only the captain hadn’t made the decisions she did that day…..   I was with the group exiting the Denny’s when it happened.  A faint shimmering in the air next to the captain’s table began to glow and grow into the most serenely beautiful man I had ever seen.  His voice carrying around the world,  he calmly stated  “I am Jesus returned and this is the Second Coming!  Rejoice!”  Jill was so startled that she grabbed her feet and began rolling around like a hula hoop,  squashing the toes of  everyone in her way.  The captain couldn’t hear clearly over the people crying out in pain as Jill rolled across their feet.  Unfortunately,  Zoobrella thought Jesus said he was a rival pirate,  Chi-Sus,  and assumed he planned on going against the regs about staying away from a  ‘so-called intelligent species.’  I saw her take out her blow gun and load a disintegrating dart.  I threw myself on to Jesus and crushed him flat with my boomerangs.  Literally flat…  as a pancake.

To this day I’m not certain if  he was killed because,  coming from a heavy-gravity planet,  my weight must have been about thirty thousand pounds on Earth or if  it was that my boomerangs severed his carotid arteries.  { Accidentally,  I assure you. }  Whatever the cause of  death,  suffice it to say that no miracles were performed on Earth that day.  I was only trying to help…..

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it’s amazing how

a few tiny decisions

can change the whole world

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“Jesus Christ Superstar”

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image ~  “Attacked by the Space Pirates”   Jakob Hansson  deviantART
{ creative commons license }

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this is my submission to ~

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Out of Standard – The Irony of  Hamilton Cork   at   imaginary garden with real toads
prompt:  Use the ENTIRE first sentence of  Fine Literature as selected by Hamilton Cork
i chose to use all of  the sentences ~

thank you,  Isadora!

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i am also participating in ~

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NaBloPoMoSoup

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